The Want Ads
a dramatic revue in two acts
by Conrad Bishop & Elizabeth Fuller
Characters
Nelson
Nelma
Nelly
Setting

Semblance of a living room, with chairs, a table, standing lamp, TV. Three pipe units frame three characters, sitting casually in chairs within the space. Above each, from pipe crosspieces, a plexiglas sign: HI, I’M NELSON. HI, I’M NELMA. HI, I’M NELLY. They are together in the room, alone in their spaces. Backdrop of enlarged newspaper ads.

Each scene is set through slight shifting of the furniture at hand. Furnishing of each scene is minimal and functional.

Sound
The disembodied voices and sounds of the audiotape are integral to the production theme and must be given careful attention. Insofar as possible, the voices of the three performers should be used as those on tape, except where this may cause confusion. The rhythms and sound textures of commercial radio should guide design of the sound score.
Style

Movement must be very selective, settings very spare. Presentational vaudeville staging.

Text rhythm is primary. Stage business is a punctuation, not a motivator of text. Actors must force the tempo faster than feels comfortable and avoid distorting text rhythm into a more contemplative “natural” delivery. Text is arranged in verse to emphasize its rhythms and structure of speeches.

The final sketch requires pre-show audience participation, filling out questionnaires. In The Independent Eye production, cards were included in programs bearing this message:

We would like to ask your contribution to the theme exploration of THE WANT ADS. Would you please take a few minutes now to write answers to these questions? We will collect these sheets before the show begins. Your answers will remain anonymous.

Blue Card: What do you have in your closets, your home, your family, your job, or your life that you’d like most to get rid of?

Yellow Card: What do you most want to acquire, to happen, to do in your life in the next five years?

Cards were collected by ushers before the show and selections for the end-of-show reading made during intermission.

In some theatres it may be necessary to omit this device and use the text supplied in the script. But the effect of this retroactive, delayed inclusion of the audience’s own reality creates a strong effect that’s worth the bother.

© 1984 by Conrad Bishop & Elizabeth Fuller. All rights reserved.
First presented by The Independent Eye.
For production rights, contact WordWorkers, 800-357-6016 or E-mail.
Act One
Open stage. An arrangement of pipe uprights and crosspieces, all parallel to proscenium. Backdrop of enlarged newspaper ads. Lighting from foot positions and downlights from pipes.
Semblance of a living room, with chairs, a table, a standing lamp, and a TV. Three pipe sets frame three characters, sitting casually in chairs within the space. Above each, from the pipe crosspiece, a plexiglas sign: HI, I’M NELSON. HI, I’M NELMA. HI, I’M NELLY.
Fade to black. Distant voices. Melody. Signs light. Figures animate, waiting.
NELSON: You put the ad in?
NELLY: It runs all week.
NELMA: You get any calls?
NELLY: Not much.
NELSON: What are you looking for?
NELLY: Whatever.
Phone rings. NELSON up, answers it. Nothing. Hangs up, starts off.
It rings. He looks at it, waits.
Goes to answer. It stops ringing as he answers.
He hangs up, goes back to frame, sits.
It rings. He waits.
It continues ringing. He waits, then rushes to it, picks it up. Nothing.
Deep sigh.
It rings as he holds receiver. Startled, he hangs up.
NELMA: What’ll you do if they call?
NELLY: Answer.
It rings. NELMA answers it.
It won’t stop ringing.
She hangs it up, it still rings.
She picks it up, begins to dial, it stops ringing.
She finishes dialing, hangs up, waits.
It rings. She answers it.
NELMA: Hello?
Realizes she’s called herself.
Switches to other ear.
Hi. Oh hi there!
Back to first ear.
Hi.
To other.
Hello? Who is this? Who is it?
Hangs up.
Creep.
It rings. She hurries back to her frame, curls up on chair.
NELLY: I don’t understand what’s the problem.
You have to learn when you want something you just come out and say it.
If you don’t say it you can’t expect to get it.
It’s a matter of knowing what you want and going after it.
Just wait for the phone call.
Phone rings. NELLY up, answers.
Hello?
It continues ringing.
She hangs up and picks up receiver several times.
Continues. Hangs up, contemplates it.
Takes out air horn. Blasts it.
It stutters, stops. Silence.
She walks slowly back to her frame, curls up tightly on chair.
Blackout.
Voices asking questions.
Echoes of gameshows. Ad phrases. Melody. Abrupt silence.
Lights in frames.
Trio sits, one in each frame, wearing knit fabric masks with prominent eyes and mouths, otherwise featureless. Each poses as mannekin.
As tape continues, they shift.
Taped voices.
MALE: For all your needs, why not place a want ad?
Shift.
Something to buy? Why not place a want ad?
Shift.
Something to sell? A want ad.
Shift.
Got a job? Need a job? Do that job with a want ad.
Shift.
Or those very personal needs, those needs of love and affection, saying Happy Birthday or giving away your warm fuzzies to happy homes, and those many other needs such as investment opportunities, legal services and licensed movers, plumbing fixtures that we all have but don’t always like to admit we have—
Slowly, NELLY rolls up her mask, revealing face.
As tape continues, she comes slowly forward, out of frame.
Begins wqlking around downstage chair, sweeping mechanically.
NELLY: Please?
Waits.
I said please?
MALE: Call 393-9388.
FEMALE: Lowest prices on all your needs.
MALE: Best things in life are free.
FEMALE: But we’re out of stock right now.
MALE: Trees and birds, trees and birds.
FEMALE: You pay for trees and birds, we’ll give you trees and birds.
MALE: Just the basics.
FEMALE: Herbal laxative, hundred tablets for ten ninety-eight.
MALE: I want a little appreciation.
FEMALE: Then learn a new career as an electrician. Wire everything.
All prophecies will be revealed.
Play any song in only seven days.
MALE: I want a real relationship.
FEMALE: Then relax and enjoy a private encounter session with understanding companion. Visa and Mastercards accepted.
NELLY: Please!
MALE: I just wish I had some guts.
FEMALE: You do. So slip into a Brooks Brothers truss and stop those rupture worries before they start.
MALE: Twenty-four scientifically spaced rotating pressure points based on Old Testament scriptures will end your baldness now.
FEMALE: As seen on TV.
MALE: Cut!
Sound change: daytime TV, baby cries, dog barking.
Title sign lights: DOOM.
Light change.
(DOOM)
NELLY sweeps.
Others appear at back: they are masked, wearing derbies and loud sports jackets.
They walk forward in exact unison, stop at imaginary door. Knock.
She answers door. They tip hats.
NELMA: Mrs. Jones? We’re the Messengers of Doom.
NELLY: I don’t understand.
NELSON: Course not.
That’s why Mr. Brown asked me to join him.
Because we want to do our best to answer whatever questions you may have.
NELMA: Sure to be some.
NELSON: No question.
NELLY: Are you selling something?
NELMA: Mr. Smith means that we’re the Messengers of Doom.
NELSON: Could we step in?
NELMA: Ample identification.
NELSON: More than enough.
NELMA: Clear as day.
NELSON: Testimonials.
NELMA: Revelations and prophecies.
NELSON: Step right in.
NELMA: Why thanks.
NELSON: You’re welcome.
They sweep past her, in unison step. Tip hats. Tableau.
Mrs. Jones, I’d like to ask you a personal question.
You have, I suppose, heard of a Mr. Richard Jones?
NELLY: That’s my husband.
NELMA: Congratulations. I hadn’t heard. Are you happy?
NELSON: Shut up.
Mrs. Jones, I’m afraid in that case we have some bad news.
Are you ready.
NELMA: We’re the Messengers of Doom.
NELSON: Shut up.
Would you like to sit down?
NELLY: What’s the matter?
NELSON: What’s the matter! You’re standing up! Would you like to sit down!
NELMA: (sitting) Don’t mind if I do—
NELSON: (to NELMA) Stand up!
NELMA: (rising, to NELLY) Siddown!
BOTH: (forcing her) SIDDOWN!
Silence.
NELSON: Ok. Mrs. Jones, I don’t know how to tell you this, but without beating around the bush, without any shilly-shallying, without hemming and hawing, without giving you some kind of song and dance, without a moment’s hesitation, while you were just sitting there without a care in the world. . .
Mr. Jones has snapped.
NELLY: What?
NELMA: Snapped.
NELSON: Like a snapper.
NELMA: Snap.
NELSON: Mr. Jones has snapped.
NELMA: Doom.
She rises. They force her down.
BOTH: SIDDOWN!
NELSON: Mrs. Jones, let me fill you in.
Your husband has been under strain.
A lot of it’s money. You buy things, for example.
Say instead of being the Messengers of Doom, we were selling magazines, I’d look at you and I’d say, “That’s an easy mark.”
Now he’s been working awfully hard, I mean that his company has had to lay a lot of people off to make ends meet, and that’s caused him to have to work overtime more than usual, which he’s done, God bless him, say seventeen or eighteen hours a day, cause those ends have got to meet.
And the money crunch has been hard on you too, where you haven’t always been in the mood to fulfill your marital duty, as they say.
And he’s upset, he’s under strain and he’s tried to get a little tail around the office but no luck because most of the tail has been laid off.
So he snapped.
NELMA: We come to tell you.
NELSON: At no extra charge.
NELLY: I don’t understand, he had a nervous breakdown or what?
Where is he? In the hospital or—
NELSON: Mrs. Jones, don’t be so concerned, cause that ain’t the worst.
Would you sign this paper, please? And this one too.
NELLY: What is it?
NELSON: Sign it for Chrissake! It’s a paper! What does it look like?
BOTH: SIDDOWN!
They force her down. Tableau.
NELLY: Could you. . .
If you could just tell me. . .
NELMA: That ain’t all. It Ain’t All!
NELSON: Cause have we got news for you!
NELMA: Doom.
NELSON: Mrs. Jones, you have a father, right?
NELLY: Sure.
NELSON: Your father’s retired.
He’s vulnerable. He’s living on Social Security, right? Fixed income, vulnerable to inflation and emphysema.
Mrs. Jones, you put him in a nursing home.
I know, you thought that was the best thing, cause maybe you’d have to go out working and you couldn’t stay home and change his diapers, I know.
But you must have heard.
NELMA: Hark.
NELSON: You’ve heard of nursing homes that starve the old gentlemen.
You’ve seen it on TV.
They drug the old ladies, they don’t let’em have babies, they take away their Wheaties and they let’em shrivel up.
You’ve read all about it.
NELLY: No.
NELSON: Well, your father was in with a bad lot.
Have a cigar.
NELMA: Thanks.
NELSON: Shut up.
They sat down to supper.
There were seven hungry old men and three ravenous old ladies.
Your father was hard of hearing, and when they told him what they were going to do, he said, “Carry on!”
NELMA: Gave his consent.
NELSON: In writing.
NELMA: Unconditional.
NELSON: They boiled him.
NELMA: Boiled your dad.
NELSON: Served him up.
NELMA: Worcestershire Sauce.
NELSON: Lasted three weeks.
NELMA: Doom doom doom.
NELSON: Course we heard.
NELMA: Sympathized.
NELSON: No hard feelings.
NELMA: In memorium.
NELSON: Gave his all.
NELMA: Paid the price.
NELSON: Roll on thou deep and dark blue ocean roll.
NELMA: Missing in action.
NELSON: Absent with leave.
NELLY: Stop it! Are you crazy? What do you want?
I don’t understand what you’re saying.
I don’t understand—
NELSON: Course you don’t understand.
And there’s reasons for that.
NELMA: Maybe you’re dumb.
NELSON: So we’re here to tell you so then you’ll know what you don’t understand.
NELMA: Gimme a dollar.
NELLY: No!
NELMA: You don’t understand.
NELSON: You certainly don’t understand.
NELLY: I’m going to scream.
NELMA: Gimme a dollar.
NELSON: Dollar a scream.
NELMA: Quarter a squeal.
NELSON: Wait! Don’t scream! That ain’t the worst!
Don’t you want to hear the worst?
How am I gonna tell you the worst if you’re screaming while I tell you?
NELMA: Doom.
Silence. She sits frozen.
They walk about, surveying, then focus.
NELSON: Mrs. Jones, you have a little boy.
You love your little boy.
You ain’t got a barrel of money, but love makes up for a lot.
Well I’ll tell you—
NELMA: Or I’ll tell her—
NELSON: I’ll tell her!
NELMA: Doom.
NELSON: Your little boy got an ow-ey.
Got an ow-ey in his tummy.
They had to take him to fix his tummy, but then they couldn’t.
Why? He hadn’t established a credit rating.
Course not, he’s only five years old.
He can’t buy a car, he can’t take out a loan, he has absolutely no way to demonstrate that the hospital could expect any compensation for removal of the ow-ey other than the profound and heartfelt glow of Christian charity, which just won’t hack it.
So your little boy, Mrs. Jones, has reached a dead end.
NELMA: Ground Zero.
NELSON: Lost Horizons.
NELMA: Call of the Wild.
NELLY: Stop it! Tell me!
NELMA: Gimme a dollar.
NELSON: Where is it?
NELMA: Up your garter?
NELSON: Down your bazoom?
NELMA: Dollar dollar dollar.
BOTH: Doom!
NELLY: What’s happened to my son!!
Freeze.
NELSON: Pardon the question, but are you incorporated?
If you were, you could include an indemnification clause which would cover whatever your board decided was proper, assuming he was engaged in the business of the corporation, which you could define in your articles.
I’d recommend it.
NELMA: No, Sid. Then it’s subject to windfall.
You can’t beat windfall.
NELSON: But whatta you do if you’ve tried it all?
You read all the bestsellers:
Melt Away Inches While You Sleep.
One Hundred Proven Ways to Make a Million.
Fifty Cents a Day Buys Life After Death.
You sent for those Tips on Kitchen Magic.
You sent for Slim Whitman’s Greatest Hits, but he didn’t tell you a thing.
You tried to find the answers, you bought a Home Family Encyclopedia: only fifteen dollars a week, the answers to everything except where you get the fifteen dollars a week.
You tried to open the free sample, but you couldn’t get through the plastic: you tore at it, ripped it, bit it, hammered it, finally threw it out, and then you got the bill.
You thought, “What if I change my name?”
You thought, “What if I rapidly die?”
You thought, “What if I build a more powerful vocabulary and get a better understanding of the erogenous zones and diversify my holdings of stocks and bonds and find exciting new uses for home computers and become truly liberated and affirm traditional values and discover the power of prayer and look out for Number One?” But whatta you do?
Whatta you do if you stare at the wall?
Whatta you do if you can’t find the switch?
Whatta you do if some clowns show up at the door?
Whatta you do?
NELMA: You’re screwed.
NELSON: See, Mrs. Jones, we just want to let you know how the system works.
NELMA: Not very damn well.
NELSON: Cause you don’t know how the system works.
NELMA: You’re at the mercy.
NELSON: Raw meat.
NELMA: Sitting duck.
NELSON: Hoodwinked and bamboozled.
NELMA: Stunned and befuddled.
NELSON: Duped and abused.
She cries out. They restrain her. Tableau of comfort.
In point of fact, there is some hope.
NELLY: I don’t understand.
NELSON: Course not. I wouldn’t expect you to.
And it’s not very interesting anyway, all full of technical jargon, graphs and charts and decimal points.
NELMA: It’s your choice.
NELSON: It’s your choice.
You can take time to scour through a library of books and try to understand what’s baffled the best minds of our time, I mean it’s your choice.
NELMA: Or—
NELSON: Or you can make a better choice. Here it is.
NELMA: Gimme a dollar.
NELSON: Sunny side of the street.
NELMA: Happy ending.
NELSON: Life is a cabaret old chum.
NELMA: Haul ass.
BOTH: The Lottery!
NELMA: The Lottery!
NELSON: Your chance of a lifetime.
NELMA: Your place in the sun.
NELSON: Your last best hope.
NELMA: Hope.
NELSON: Think of it.
One buck, and you could be sitting pretty.
Unsnap your hubby, sew up your little boy, and set up a polished memorial tablet to your daddy who has met a fate approximately equivalent to death.
NELMA: See, we don’t want to be the Messengers of Doom.
NELSON: No way.
NELMA: We’d rather be the Harbingers of Hope.
BOTH: Hope! Hope! Hope!
NELLY: Stop!!
Freeze.
NELSON: All right, Mrs. Jones.
O-kaaaay. . .
I know. You think you’ll wake up.
It’s all a dream, right? Just one of those crazy dreams?
Sure it is. Sure you will.
You’ll wake up.
And then you’ll be awake.
And then it won’t be a dream.
And you still won’t understand.
NELMA: And that’s a fact.
NELSON: That’s the long and the short.
NELMA: That’s all she wrote.
NELSON: Until we shall meet.
NELMA: Again.
They disappear.
She is alone, unable to move.
NELLY: Wait. Is that what you’re selling?
Lottery tickets?
Sure, I’ll buy one, if it’s only a dollar, you never know.
Some guy in Allentown, he’d been out of work three months.
He’ll never have to worry.
They say there’s always hope.
Is there some kind of special deal?
I don’t understand.
Lights out.
Lights up. Three stand in curtain-call poses. Recorded applause. Lights out.
Distant voices. Music. Ad phrases. Silence.
Lights in frames. They sit, masked. Taped voice.
As it continues, NELMA unmasks, moves out of frame into center.
VOICE: Whatta you want for Christmas, honey?
NELMA: Money.
VOICE: It costs too much.
NELMA: Knicknacks.
VOICE: It costs too much.
NELMA: Warm fuzzies.
VOICE: Costs too much.
NELMA: Eternal life.
VOICE: Too much.
NELMA: Therapy!
VOICE: What? Gestalt? EST? Hypnotherapy? Primal Scream?
Psychoanalysis? Massage therapy? Scientology?
Reality therapy? Sex surrogate therapy? Sociotherapy?
Jungian therapy? Neurolinguistic counseling? Electrolysis?
Enemas? Vitamin C?
NELMA: I dunno.
VOICE: Whatta you want for Christmas, honey?
NELMA: Identity.
Individuality.
The Real Me.
VOICE: Check your stocking.
(ENTREPRENEUR)
Lights up. Bank office. NELMA sits at desk: a Vice President.
NELSON appears, wearing zipper jacket and baseball cap.
He stands till he’s noticed.
Smiles, waves.
NELMA: Hello. What can I do for you?
NELSON: You’re a Vice President. You must be pretty smart to be a woman Vice President. It’s not every day that you meet a woman Vice President.
NELMA: Well thank you.
NELSON: Ok. Down to business.
My name’s Jerry, and, well as to work, I’ve done a lot of different kinds, I drove a taxi, wow that’s something, and I pumped gas, all kinds of things where I got a lot of experience—
NELMA: You’re looking for a loan.
NELSON: Right. That’s exactly right.
I suppose you could tell when I walked in here, I bet.
NELMA: People often come here for that reason.
NELSON: Well, you’re right.
See, I thought: What am I doing?
You know, my dad, he was a maintenance man, keeping things in good maintenance, and he used to say, Jerry, look: if you want to be rich, this is a free country, it’s up to you.
He was never rich, but that’s cause he had a family and a lot of other things to do.
But he told me, he said, you want to be rich, just make up your mind to do it. So I did.
NELMA: You did what?
NELSON: I want to be rich.
NELMA: I see.
NELSON: That is, I want to get a loan and start my own business.
NELMA: Oh. Well. What is it you had in mind to do?
NELSON: A steel mill.
NELMA: A steel mill?
NELSON: Oh I know a lot of people start small, like with a McDonald’s franchise or a barbershop, maybe, but I thought why start small, cause you kind of defeat yourself before you even start.
So I thought how about a steel mill, cause there’s always a need for steel, you know, and I know they talk about oil and petroleum, but I thought maybe if I make it in steel then I could do oil as a sideline.
NELMA: Well, Mr. . . Jerry—
NELSON: I know. I know what you’re going to say:
What makes you think you could run a steel mill? Right?
NELMA: That did cross my mind.
NELSON: But that doesn’t matter, cause I don’t need to know. I can hire guys that already know. You know how many guys are out of work?
See, we’re in a economic boom right now, boom, all these places going boom, boom, all these guys out of work. So I just put an ad in the paper, I got all I need.
See, it’s just a matter of somebody having the idea to do it.
That’s free enterprise.
NELMA: Jerry. . . Do you have any business experience?
NELSON: Experience! Listen! Experience! Experience, right? Listen!
Pause.
I used to run the elevator at the Sears Building.
NELMA: (at a loss) Did you.
NELSON: You know: All these executives, every day up and down, up and down, and they don’t even think about the elevator operator, they don’t know you exist, you’re nothing, you’re a piece of gum on the floor.
So they talk to each other, up and down, up and down, and I’m listening, up and down.
You know something? In that time I would say that I got the equivalent of a college education.
NELMA: I meant more in the area of—
NELSON: I catch your drift. I get it.
You have to take precautions to know that I’m not some bum off the street, right? That if you loan me the money it’s gonna pay off, right? Cause you’re a Vice President, that’s your job.
NELMA: Yes it is.
NELSON: Well, to level with you frankly, I would have to say. . .
No. Strictly speaking.
But see, I know a sure-fire idea when I think of it. All it takes is one idea.
Like the lottery: If there’s that many losers, then there’s gotta be a winner.
See, here’s my idea. I can trust you, can’t I?
NELMA: I’m sure you can.
NELSON: Ok. See, the key to the whole thing is get a monopoly.
Say if you got Park Place and I got Boardwalk, it doesn’t do us any good, because we can’t even build any houses on it, let alone hotels.
But see, if I get both of’em, then wow, I mean there’s nothing you can do cause you’re gonna land there sooner or later, wow.
That’s my idea.
NELMA: Yes, well—
NELSON: See it kinda has—
NELMA: The virtue of simplicity—
NELSON: Yeh.
NELMA: Jerry—
NELSON: I know. I know what you think. See, that’s one attribute of mine. I can tell what people think.
You think: So what? Right? Ok, here’s the trick.
There’s all these big steel mills, right?
They think they got it made.
They think: Ho ho, I got this business tied up so tight, nobody could just come along and start a steel mill just like that.
So they’re not going to be watching me. They’d probably even laugh at me. They’d go Ho Ho.
So while they’re sitting up there smoking big cigars, here I am getting set, and I’m planning and cogitating and making a list.
Like maybe I’ll have my factory out in the country where nobody’s even gonna notice.
And then just when they think Ho Ho, and they take a puff and they let down their guard, then all of a sudden SHAZAM! BOARDWALK! BAM! PARK PLACE!
And there it is.
Silence.
NELMA: Jerry.
I’ve really enjoyed talking to you, but I have some other work, and. . .
I think you have a lot of good ideas, but. . .
It isn’t really practical.
There is no way you could start a steel mill. You have to be a different kind of person to do things like that. Not a matter of a better person or a worse person, just a different person.
If it was just a matter of making up your mind, I’m sure a lot more people would have done it.
I myself. . . I don’t really make that much money, surprising as it may seem, so I’m afraid—
NELSON: See, I talked to you because I thought, here she is, she’s a woman, she’s probably liberated.
I mean like new ideas, I mean like progress, I mean Zappo! Vice President! Liberated!
Silence.
Well that’s ok. I know.
Just promise me you won’t use my idea. Ok?
NELMA: Don’t worry.
NELSON: Listen, can you do me a favor?
NELMA: I’m not sure—
NELSON: It’s just I gotta make a very important business telephone call, and I don’t have a dime. Could I use your phone?
It’s local. I won’t monopolize the telephone waves.
NELMA: All right.
He picks it up, dials.
NELSON: Dad? It’s Jerry.
You know where I’m calling from? Vice President of the bank, right in the office. Yeh!
Listen, I talked to’em about this deal, see, and they’re not saying yes right away, cause money’s real tight and they gotta check things out.
But mainly I made this real good contact. This woman is a Vice President, so you know she’s gotta be smart, and she asked some very pertinent questions.
So I just wanted to let you know.
Yeh, dinner on Sunday. Bye.
Hangs up. Goes to door.
Thanks. Hey now, remember: Boardwalk! Park Place! Bam! Shazam!
Blackout.
Lights up. Curtain-call pose. Out.
Voices, echoes, melody. Distant phone rings. Loud alarm clock.
Lights up in frames. Each in posture of waking.
As taped voice continues, they shift into series of new postures, preparing to start the day.
Bouncy music, dull movement.
VOICE: Rise and shine.
Up and at’em.
Come and get it.
Coffee’s on.
Get a move on.
Get with it.
Go for it.
Go get’em.
Shoulder arms.
On your mark.
Get set.
Clear the decks.
Get your war paint on.
Get up your steam.
Get your act together.
Ready to roll.
First day of the rest of your life.
Tune up.
All systems go.
Start the day off right.
Arise and go forth.
Gird up your loins.
Get your ass in gear.
Factory whistle. Lights out. Title sign lights: FACTORY DANCE.
(FACTORY DANCE)
Taped voice: series of short phrases, evenly spaced, uninflected, continuing throughout scene.
As numbers are called, each comes into place on stage. Positions of the three are staggered in a nine-point grid.
Each has sequence of three or four movements continually repeated, one to each phrase, except when interrupted.
One does a series of factory tasks, one bookkeeping, one sales.
VOICE: Call your broker for more details.
See the scramblers three.
Call us now.
Save fifty cents.
Get fast relief.
Save nineteen cents.
Call Mr. Stevens.
Pick your size and save.
See the sweetheart specials.
EIGHT.
NELSON comes into place, up center.
Begins gestures as salesman.
Remodel now.
Get it all free.
Name this dog.
Get the best.
Beat the heat.
Go to bat.
Double your fun.
THREE.
He watches imaginary person taking position down left.
Eat and chew better.
Be enchanted by mink.
Run with Number One.
Use Desenex daily.
Discover our wide array.
Receive it free.
ONE.
NELLY comes into place, down right. Begins gestures as bookkeeper.
Charge it.
Tell it like it is.
Say it with flowers.
Love it or leave it.
Let it soak in.
TWO.
Others look as imaginary person takes position down center.
Mix’em or match’em.
Let it be you.
Plug into real savings.
Take the Sudafed challenge.
Act now.
SEVEN.
NELSON watches imaginary person take position to his right.
Put your dollars to work.
Give a damn.
See back of package for details.
Help carry the ball.
Save.
Hurry.
Blow yourself up.
FOUR.
Imaginary person takes position right, behind NELLY.
Pick up a Dannon body.
Double your flavor.
Let it all hang out.
See surprising results.
Save seven cents.
FIVE.
NINE.
Imaginary persons take positions.
Pay nothing now.
See all the newest Fords.
Come and see.
See’em at Big George’s.
Come see, come drive.
Come to our AMF ball-drilling jamboree.
Start looking around your home.
Shape your leisure time.
SIX.
NELMA takes position left, begins gestures of assembly line worker.
Shampoo with a full head of hair.
Ask us.
Just say Merry Christmas.
Save now.
Step into the future.
Sweeten the pot.
Smell terrific tonight.
Say Mister Hot Dog.
Buy one get one free.
Whip up a heap.
Look trim and slim.
Take a closer look.
NELSON stops working. Others continue.
He unmasks. Watches others.
Begins again, stops.
Say no to pain.
Get it all free.
Save fifteen cents.
Remove unwanted hair.
Start with Finish.
Hug the Baggies Alligator.
Go for the gold.
Feel beautiful inside and out.
Attend the church of your choice.
Relax on a cushion of air.
Try us.
Prove it.
Call now.
Win big.
Pledge allegiance to value.
Phrases continue as he speaks.
NELSON: Hey, excuse me. . .
Anybody got a light?
“Thanks, ok, where’s the fuse?”
No, actually, does anyone have change for a dollar?
I need a break. Anybody got change for a dollar?
Anyone got the time?
How bout some inside tips on the stock market?
Ah, does anyone here have hemorroidal discomfort?
Is there anything I can do for you?
VOICE: Call your broker for more details.
See the scramblers three.
Call us now.
Save fifty cents.
Get fast relief.
Save nineteen cents.
No response.
He tries to go back to work. Stops.
Call Mr. Stevens.
Pick your size and save.
See the sweetheart specials.
Remodel now.
Get it all free.
Name this dog.
Get the best.
Beat the heat.
He moves out of his space, going to others, real and imaginary.
That’s some job.
Whatta you think the weather’s gonna do?
They said it was gonna clear up.
I think they must be doing something to outer space.
The Russians are shooting holes in the sky.
Go to bat.
Double your fun.
Eat and chew better.
Be enchanted by mink.
Run with Number One.
To another.
You know, I wish I knew a place to get a really good hotdog and sauerkraut, I really love that.
There’s a new pizza place I found.
That’s really an art, you know, they oughta have art museums for pizzas.
Use Desenex daily.
Discover our wide array.
Receive it free.
Charge it.
To another.
You got a cold, you oughta try some Vitamin C.
Tell it like it is.
Say it with flowers.
To NELMA.
Hey, I’m gonna get a cup of coffee, you want some?
Love it or leave it.
Let it soak in.
No response. To another.
Hey, whatta you think about prayer in the public schools?
I think we oughta pray for the public schools.
Give’em some Vitamin C.
Mix’em or match’em.
Let it be you.
Plug into real savings.
To another.
You know anything about palm-reading?
I always wondered what I said.
Take the Sudafed Challenge.
Act now.
To NELLY.
Did you see that article where the Air Force built this cannon to shoot naked chickens into airplane engines at 700 miles an hour?
See, this is to see what happens when it hits a bird.
But the question is, what does this do to the arms race?
If we set up orbiting poultry farms and fire drumsticks and giblets down at the Commies.
No, but there’s great applications in consumer technology.
Talk about fast food: Drive through Colonel Sanders, roll down the window, open your mouth, “I’d like two pieces.” PKWWWWWWWW!
Put your dollars to work.
Give a damn.
See back of package for details.
Help carry the ball.
Save.
Hurry.
Blow yourself up.
Pick up a Dannon body.
Double your flavor.
No response. To another.
You don’t know me personally, but I do great backrubs.
If you want a backrub.
Let it all hang out.
See surprising results.
No response. He goes back to his position. Tries to work. Stops.
Save seven cents.
Pay nothing now.
See all the newest Fords.
See’em at Big George’s.
Come see, come drive.
Come to our AMF ball-drilling jamboree.
Start looking around your home.
Shape your leisure time.
Shampoo with a full head of hair.
Ask us.
Just say Merry Christmas.
Addressing everyone.
You know, I personally get very upset myself if somebody kind of makes himself a public spectacle and disrupts things, cause everybody’s got enough to worry about, you don’t want some jerk coming along and try to violate your private space.
But I think what we really want often is a sense that we are really in touch with other people, maybe somebody willing to take what we have to give, and people are really human, most of the time, and maybe some friendliness, I mean is the job really so important that people can’t take time to realize that we are all on the same planet,and we’re all alive, and someday we’re all going to die, so you might as well have. . .a backrub.
I always wondered if I had one minute on national prime time and I could say whatever I wanted to say, what would I say?
Save now.
Step into the future.
Sweeten the pot.
Smell terrific tonight.
Say Mister Hot Dog.
Buy one get one free.
Whip up a heap.
Look slim and trim.
Take a closer look.
Say no to pain.
Get it all free.
Save fifteen cents.
Remove unwanted hair.
Start with Finish.
No response.
NELSON: You know what I mean?
NELLY: Yeh.
NELSON: So whatta you think?
NELLY: Yeh, it’s a grind. Gets to you.
NELSON: How’s it get to you?
NELLY: Same thing over and over. That’s life.
NELSON: You sure that’s life?
NELLY: Scuse me—
NELSON: What would you really like to do?
NELLY: I’d like to go to Disneyland.
NELSON: Wanta go right now?
NELLY: Listen, I didn’t get much sleep last night, my eyes are giving me problems, and I just got all this dumped on me that isn’t my work but they cut back on the staff and they dump it on me, so—
NELSON: Whyn’t you tell’em go to hell?
NELLY: Look, if you have life so easy you can talk like that, good for you, good for you, but don’t rub it in my face, ok?
NELSON: I just asked.
NELLY: Maybe later, ok?
NELSON: Yeh.
Hug the Baggies Alligator.
Go for the gold.
Feel beautiful inside and out.
Attend the church of your choice.
Enjoy big savings.
Support the party of your choice.
Relax on a cushion of air.
Try us.
Pledge allegiance to value.
Call your broker for more details.
See the scramblers three.
Call us now.
Save fifty cents.
Get fast relief.
Save nineteen cents.
Call Mr. Stevens.
Pick your size and save.
See the sweetheart specials.
Remodel now.
Get it all free.
Name this dog.
Get the best.
Back to place.
Beat the heat.
Go to bat.
Double your fun.
To NELMA.
NELSON: Nice day.
NELMA: I wouldn’t know.
NELSON: Yeh, daylight savings.
NELMA: Makes it a little lighter when I get out.
NELSON: How is it when you get out?
NELMA: Dark.
NELSON: Well it gives you time to go out and fool around, huh?
NELMA: Not much of that.
NELSON: Hey, you ever wonder about this job?
Why you come in here every day?
NELMA: That’s easy. I got my family to feed.
You gotta have a job to feed your family, don’t you?
NELSON: Hey, but I mean isn’t there something you really wanted to do when you were a kid?
NELMA: I wanted to have a family.
NELSON: Yeh, so you got one, huh?
NELMA: Yep.
NELSON: Well. Say hi to the kids.
Eat and chew better.
Be enchanted by mink.
Run with Number One.
Use Desenex daily.
Discover our wide array.
Receive it free.
Charge it.
Tell it like it is.
Say it with flowers.
Love it or leave it.
Let it soak in.
Mix’em or match’em.
Let it be you.
Plug into real savings.
Take the Sudafed challenge.
Act now.
Put your dollars to work.
Give a damn.
See back of package for details.
Help carry the ball.
Back to place.
You have any idea what you all look like?
What’s that sposed to be?
Take a long time to learn that?
Do you think while you’re doing that, or does your brain turn into bubblegum?
What’s it gonna get you?
A new TV?
They don’t show you on TV.
If you were on TV, they’d put a laughtrack on it.
“Mrs. Homer Jones of Oklahoma City couldn’t get the dirt off her little boy, so she boiled him in Clorox.” “Yaaaaaaaaaay!”
Is that what you live for?
Save.
Hurry.
Blow yourself up.
Pick up a Dannon body.
Double your flavor.
Let it all hang out.
See surprising results.
Save seven cents.
Pay nothing now.
NELLY: I don’t understand you.
I don’t know what you’re doing.
NELSON: Do you know what you’re doing?
NELLY: I don’t know.
NELSON: You don’t know anything?
NELLY: Right, I don’t know anything.
NELMA: Just ignore it.
NELSON: Ignore it. Ignore it?
I’m an it. We’re all an it.
(at NELMA) Look, it’s working.
It’s got a purpose in life.
It represents the highest aspirations of the human soul.
It’s doing a new kind of dance.
They call it the Robot.
It starts each day with a hearty breakfast of Froot Loops and Diet Pepsi and then it keeps twitching all day till it blows a tube—
See all the newest Fords.
Come and see.
See’em at Big George’s.
Come see, come drive.
Come to our AMF ball-drilling jamboree.
Start looking around your home.
Shape your leisure time.
Shampoo with a full head of hair.
Ask us.
Just say Merry Christmas.
Save now.
Step into the future.
NELMA: Ok, I’m a robot, and I wish to God—
NELSON: Don’t blame it on God, lady—
NELMA: Look, you don’t know me, you don’t know who I am, you don’t know my life, so what do you care?
NELSON: Tell me more.
NELMA: I’ll tell you this.
You’re like a little baby.
You come in here, you start yelling, hassling everybody, and you poor child, we are busy, and we are tired, and—
NELSON: I’m on the same planet as you, I wanta know about you, I wanta know what it is makes you tick, what makes you tick—
Mimicking.
Tick tick tick tick tick. . .
Around to others.
TICK TICK TICK TICK TICK—
NELLY: Let her alone!
NELSON: Alone. She is alone.
Look there, it’s alone.
What good is that doing?
I mean when you fall in your grave what difference is it that you spent all this time dancing your little foxtrot?
NELMA: Because my children will be on this earth after me!
NELSON: And what will they be doing?
The same goddamn thing, right?
I’m just asking WHY!
NELLY: Because we can’t afford not to!
NELSON: Hafta buy that new home entertainment center—
NELMA: No, I have to buy food, I have to pay rent—
NELLY: Just stop telling us a thousand times—
NELSON: I’m not telling you anything—
NELLY: That is the truth!
NELMA: Why do you want to know?
Do you know my children?
You don’t even know my children’s names.
NELSON: Hey, they’ve got names!
NELMA: Yes they’ve got names!
Why don’t you ask us our names?
If you care about what we’re doing, why don’t you even ask us our names?
NELSON: What’s your name?
NELMA: What do you care?
NELSON: Tick tick tick tick tick—
NELLY: Stop it!
NELSON: Oh I don’t mean to affect your existence—
NELMA: You’re not affecting me in the least.
NELSON: Great.
Then why don’t you just do your job and fall over dead for your kids, huh?
Go home and get laid and have another kid so you got another reason to go to work—
NELMA: (breaking down) I can’t afford to have any more!
NELSON: (mimicking her) Sure you can!
Sure you can!
NELLY: Why do you just go on and on and on—
NELSON: And on and on and on and on—
Mimicks, around to others.
AND ON AND ON AND ON AND ON AND ON AND ON AND ON AND ON—
Save now.
Step into the future.
Sweeten the pot.
Smell terrific tonight.
Say Mister Hot Dog.
Buy one get one free.
Whip up a heap.
Look slim and trim.
Take a closer look.
Say no to pain.
Get it all free.
Save fifteen cents.
Remove unwanted hair.
Start with Finish.
Hug the Baggies Alligator.
Go for the gold.
Feel beautiful inside and out.
Attend the church of your choice.
Enjoy big savings.
Support the party of your choice.
Relax on a cushion of air.
Try us.
Prove it.
Call now.
Win big.
Pledge allegiance to value.
Call your broker for more details.
See the Scramblers Three.
Call us now.
Save fifty cents.
Get fast relief.
Save nineteen cents.
Call Mr. Stevens.
Pick your size and save.
See the sweetheart specials.
Remodel now.
Get it all free.
Name this dog.
Beat the heat.
Go to bat.
Double your fun.
Eat and chew better.
Be enchanted by mink.
Run with Number One.
Use Desenex daily.
Discover our wide array.
Receive it free.
Charge it.
Tell it like it is.
Say it with flowers.
Love it or leave it.
Let it soak in.
Mix’em and match’em.
Let it be you.
Just say Merry Christmas.
Silence, except for phrases.
NELMA sobs, continuing work distractedly.
Hey, come on, let’s have some answers here.
When do I get the answers, for Christmas?
If you’re keeping your trap shut, you must have something to say, there must be something there you’ll tell me if I pay enough.
You gonna tell me?
Tell me it’s not so bad?
Tell me you’re satisfied?
Man, you better not, cause the minute you’re satisfied the economy stops dead.
You know there are countries where the children have all disappeared?
You know Iran is collecting enormous storage tanks of Coca-Cola? There’s something in it they need.
You know the Communists are concealing the fact they’ve already won?
It’s a fact.
Come on, now you tell me a fact.
If you know a fact, tell me.
If you don’t know, tell me you don’t know.
Does everybody know but me?
I want to know what I ought to want.
I want to know if I’ve got it.
I want a beer I can die for.
I want just five minutes when all the bullshit stops!
He breaks down.
Silence, except for phrases.
NELLY: You don’t have my sympathy.
You don’t have anyone’s.
I can’t sympathize with someone who’s just negative.
There’s people who are miserable because they deserve to be.
You gotta have money before they’ll give you a loan.
You gotta be loveable before they’ll love you.
You won’t get sympathy if any- one thinks you need it.
I can tell you that.
There’s not enough to go round.
NELSON: Tick tick tick tick tick—
NELMA: Make him stop.
NELLY: You know it’s perfectly possible to call the police—
NELSON: Tick tick tick tick tick—
NELMA: I lost count—
NELLY: Keep going—
NELSON: Tick tick tick tick tick—
NELLY: And you’ll have no effect at all, you’ll just disappear—
NELMA: Nobody’s listening—
Remodel now.
NELLY: You’re just not part of this world!
Save now.
Step into the future.
Sweeten the pot.
Smell terrific tonight.
Say Mister Hot Dog.
Buy one get one free.
Whip up a heap.
Look slim and trim.
Take a closer look.
Say no to pain.
Get it all free.
Save fifteen cents.
Remove unwanted hair.
Start with Finish.
Hug the Baggies Alligator.
Go for the gold.
Feel beautiful inside and out.
Enjoy big savings.
Support the party of your choice.
Relax on a cushion of air.
Try us.
Prove it.
Call now.
Win big.
Pledge allegiance to value.
Call your broker for more details.
See the Scramblers Three.
Call us now.
Save fifty cents.
Get fast relief.
Save nineteen cents.
Call Mr. Stevens.
Pick your size and save.
See the sweetheart specials.
Remodel now.
Get it all free.
Silence, except for phrases.
Love it or leave it.
Let it soak in.
Mix’em or match’em.
Let it be you.
THREE.
He looks up, watches imaginary person depart.
NELSON: Look at that.
I didn’t go. She did.
Call your number, that’s it.
Plug into real savings.
Take the Sudafed challenge.
FOUR.
Watches another.
Try five.
How bout five?
Act now.
Put your dollars to work.
TWO.
Watches another.
Hey, where do they go?
Potty break?
Gas chamber?
Disneyland?
That’s the way to solve unemployment.
Just disappear.
Give a damn.
See back of package for details.
Help carry the ball.
NINE.
Watches another.
Hey, old friend and neighbor.
They oughta put out a want ad.
Wanted: just five minutes more.
NELMA: I’m so scared, I—
I don’t know why I’m so scared—
NELLY: Shut up.
Do your job and just—
Shut up.
Save.
Hurry.
Blow yourself up.
Pick up a Dannon body.
Double your flavor.
SEVEN.
Watches another.
NELSON: Wanted: A way in. A way out.
Wanted: Hope. New or used.
See surprising results.
Pay nothing now.
SIX.
NELMA halts, stands still for a moment, then goes off.
Where’s she going?
Wanted: Good way to say goodbye.
Wanted: Just one— word or—
Just say hello. . .
See all the newest Fords.
Come and see.
See’em at Big George’s.
Come see, come drive.
FIVE.
Watches another.
They just go.
Is that what you do, you just come and go?
Send a sympathy card?
Famous last words: Hello.
Come to our AMF ball-drilling jamboree.
Start looking around your home.
ONE.
NELLY halts, goes off.
He stands doing nothing. Mumbles.
VOICE: Shampoo with a full head of hair.
Ask us.
Just say Merry Christmas.
Save now.
Step into the future.
Sweeten the pot.
Smell terrific tonight.
Say Mister Hot Dog.
NELSON: Mister Hot Dog. . .
VOICE: Buy one get one free.
Whip up a heap.
Look slim and trim.
Take a closer look.
Say no to pain.
NELSON: No. . .
VOICE: Get it all free.
Save fifteen cents.
He moves around stage aimlessly, starts to cry out, stops, frozen.
At last, as phrases continue, he takes mask from pocket, puts it on.
Begins work gestures, at first weakly, then finding security in the rhythm.
Start with Finish.
Hug the Baggies Alligator.
Go for the gold.
Feel beautiful inside and out.
Attend the church of your choice.
Enjoy big savings.
Support the party of your choice.
Relax on a cushion of air.
Try us.
Prove it.
Call now.
Win big.
Pledge allegiance to value.
Blackout. Melody.
Lights up, dim. Trio in frames.
Lights out.
VOICE: Take ten.
END ACT ONE
Act Two
Fade to black. Distant voices. Melody. Sign light above frames. Figures animate, waiting.
Phone rings once. NELSON up. Silence. He sits.
Phone rings once. NELMA up. Silence. She sits.
Phone rings. NELLY adjusts, stays seated. It continues till she rises. Silence. She sits.
Blackout.
Voices asking questions.
Echoes of gameshows. Ad phrases. Melody. Abrupt silence.
Lights in frames. Trio sits, one in each frame, wearing masks.
Each poses as mannekin.
As tape continues, they shift. Sequence is repetition of Act One.
MALE: For all your needs, why not place a want ad?
Shift.
Something to buy? Why not place a want ad?
Shift.
Something to sell? A want ad.
Shift.
Got a job? Need a job? Do that job with a want ad.
Shift.
Or those very personal needs, those needs of love and affection, saying Happy Birthday or giving away your warm fuzzies to happy homes, and those many other needs such as investment opportunities, legal services and licensed movers, plumbing fixtures that we all have but don’t always like to admit we have—
Title sign lights: PERSONALS.
Two have begun moving around their living areas, masked, searching.
Suddenly, they sense one another, crouch behind chairs.
Cut!
(THE PERSONALS)
Lights up. NELSON and NELLY hide behind chairs.
Music: Fred Astaire.
NELSON comes forward, mimes rapidly brushing hair, shaving.
Pulls bottom of mask, brushes teeth underneath.
Snaps fingers, signaling a taped voice.
MALE: Are you an exceptional woman? Single white male seeks warm, empathic, intelligent woman, 27-34, with a sensitivity which is able to appreciate both the profound and the absurd. I relate best to people who are articulate, introspective and somewhat unconventional. I’m all of the above: thirty-eight, five foot eight, own an interesting and successful business. Please send photo.
He holds pose. Music.
NELLY comes forward at distance, looks toward him.
Snaps fingers, signaling taped voice.
FEMALE: Single female, gregarious, tall, very independent and yes, of course, attractive, seeks similar companion to share long walks, good talks, varied moods and the less expensive pleasures of life. Outside wrapping of this precious package is immaterial: I’m looking for the good man within. If allergic to closeness, please do not respond. Tell me about the real you.
Both turn to each other.
Extend hands in greeting: they are far apart.
Reach again. No luck.
Stretch and reach frantically, nearly losing balance, but without moving feet. Stop.
Wave as if at end of date, separate.
Rush behind chairs, hide.
Look front, rolling up masks as if looking at own faces in mirror.
Masks down.
Music. They come forward separately. Put on new hats.
Snap fingers, signaling taped voices.
MAN: Gordon, 45, brown hair, blue eyes, religion open. I am marriage minded, looking for a lady, looks not important, who ios sincere, with brown hair and younger than myself.
WOMAN: Vera, 42, Catholic. I am honest and support my mother. I have had to work hard all my life and will be a good wife who is loving, loyal and faithful to a cheerful gentleman.
They finish dressing, turn to one another, approach: middle-aged, inexperienced, uneducated.
Try to take hands, indecisively: can’t manage it.
He puts arm around her, without touching; other hand approaches breast, but he curtails movement by stretching and scratching himself. Suddenly, both become passionate: embrace, without touching, in abrupt, fumbling love-making.
In the midst, their hands accidentally touch, clasp. Frozen in shock.
Slowly they turn front, pry hands apart carefully, retreat.
Rush behind chairs, hide.
Look front, rolling up masks as if looking at own faces in mirror.
Masks down.
Music. They sit in chairs, reach into boxes, remove phone receivers, set them on their knees, wait.
At last he picks up his, dials his knee. Phone rings. She picks up receiver.
NELLY: Hello?
NELSON: Hi.
NELLY: Oh hi.
NELSON: Hi.
Silence.
NELLY: Who is this?
NELSON: Me.
NELLY: Oh.
Silence.
Well?
NELSON: Well—
NELLY: Huh?
NELSON: What?
NELLY: I said huh.
NELSON: Oh.
Silence.
NELLY: Is this a dirty phone call?
NELSON: No.
NELLY: Oh.
Silence.
Can you talk?
NELSON: Well yes.
Yes, well I just thought it’s so difficult sometimes to really be straightforward and call up and just say what we feel, to be honest, really be honest about what we want, and we don’t have to choose our words, they just flow from the heart and you can hear and what I mean is—
His speech becomes mute, though lips continue. NELSON reacts to tape taking over, trying to stop it. As voice continues speaking, he must continue.
MALE: Shirley it’s me Shirley who’s this is this Shirley? You think you’re Shirley? Listen, I know Shirley when I don’t see her. I know her by the sound of my voice when I’m talking to Shirley. I talk and I hear myself say Shirley so I know it’s her.
Same with NELLY, as taped voice continues.
FEMALE: Who is this is this Leonard is this some kind of a joke? Leonard why are you telling me these awful things? Where did you get my number? Am I just a number to you? Don’t you know that numbers have fingers, Leonard, they grab and they snag into your pockets, you slam the door but it’s no door it’s the cover of a book and you’re caught inside! You see? You bring out the worst in me.
Both hang up.
NELLY’s phone rings. She answers.
MALE: Hi honey. I was reading your ad and I thought I’d call because specifically what I’m looking for is a Capricorn somewhere between five two and five five and a half who enjoys dancing, music, and TV with a simple and natural character of many modalities—
NELLY: (live) Who is this?
MALE: Well you might say it’s a brilliant, charismatic, renaissance man, 35, boyishly handsome, well-built, world-traveled, prosperous, dashing, earthy, zany, vegetarian, seeking marriage with a woman—
NELLY: What number are you calling?
MALE: An affectionate, attractive woman who is tired of the phony scene and fed up with playing games—
NELLY: I played bridge once.
MALE: Hey come on honey let’s get it on if you’re looking for a real stud who’s hot to trot and really well hu—
She hangs up.
I’m still here.
NELLY: Yeh. Ok.
MALE: I’m still here.
NELLY: I said ok.
MALE: Still here.
NELLY: So you wanta see me?
MALE: Still here.
NELLY: Look, all right, yeh I’m lonely, why the hell you think I advertise in the newspaper—
MALE: Still here.
NELLY: So how about a date?
Silence.
Look, is this a real person here?
Silence.
Shut up!
Silence.
Look. Hang up.
If you don’t hang up I’ll call the cops as soon as you hang up.
What kind of a type are you anyway to answer an ad in the paper and think you’re going to get somewhere that way?
You think I’m the kind of woman that’s going to go out with some creep that answers my ad?
You think I can’t disconnect any time I want?
Hang up!
MALE: Still.
She hangs up violently.
Other phone rings. NELSON answers.
FEMALE: Hi, is this Johnny?
NELSON: No it’s not.
FEMALE: Well that’s ok. You sound like a nice guy.
Listen, I was calling up because the junior class is having a picnic and it’s Ladies’ Choice, and we don’t really know each other so I thought this might be a good way to get better acquainted—
NELSON: What is this?
FEMALE: This is the junior class picnic, and I thought you might like to go with me—
NELSON: No, look, I’m not in the junior class.
I’m a grown man.
Who are you calling?
FEMALE: Calling you.
NELSON: Look, if you’d called about twenty-five years ago, I coulda used it then.
FEMALE: This is Judy.
“I want you. I need you.”
Creep.
Giggles from girls. He hangs up.
Music. Lights change.
They stand up, put on sunglasses. Look at one another, panicked.
Each produces cassette recorder. Place chairs side by side, sit.
Place recorders side by side on knees, turn them on, never looking at one another. Recorded voices.
MALE: Hi there.
FEMALE: Oh hi.
MALE: I hope you don’t mind me talking to you, but I just felt I’d like to say something.
FEMALE: That’s ok, I like to talk.
MALE: You’re very attractive. You probably know that.
FEMALE: It’s nice to hear it.
MALE: You don’t mind if I say it?
FEMALE: Go right ahead.
MALE: You’re very attractive.
FEMALE: Why thanks. It takes two.
MALE: It’s better that way.
Tape recorders laugh.
NELSON and NELLY look at one another, begin slowly to come closer until their faces nearly touch.
FEMALE: You know it’s not usually the thing to come right out and say stuff like that.
MALE: Well, people waste so much time playing games, right?
FEMALE: They really do.
I mean, we really do.
MALE: And if two people are really attracted to each other, they don’t have to play games.
If they’re adults, they should just—
FEMALE: What?
MALE: Do—
FEMALE: Whatever they’re inclined to do.
MALE: Right.
FEMALE: It never hurts to ask.
MALE: Would you like to come over to my place for a—
FEMALE: Drink?
MALE: Ok.
FEMALE: Right—
MALE: Now.
Faces are very close.
As voices continue, they slowly pull at bottoms of each other’s masks, removing them.
Voices are continuous, but intercut from many sources.
They look in each other’s eyes as eyes appear.
MALE: Minister, honest and sincere, enjoy the church and all clean sports/spanking, massage, in a caring one-on-one relationship/very hot and ready to try anything once/I am a salesman and would describe myself as a good/housebroken survivor of dog-eat-dog world, seeks foxy lassie to wag my tail.
Call me Prince.
FEMALE: Incurably romantic, wildly beautiful, brainy, gentle, sensitive, lonely, inexperienced, mature, stable, busty, lusty vegetarian/no herpes/who knows what she wants but hasn’t found it yet/no shorter than five ten/and only serious need reply/to have good times and whatever follows/to meet and make our dreams come true.
Princess.
Their lips touch. Blackout.
Lights up. Applause. Curtain call pose. Lights out.
Distant voices. Music. Ad phrases. Silence.
Lights in frames. They sit, unmasked, waiting. Taped voice.
VOICE: Whatta you want for Christmas, honey?
NELMA: Money.
VOICE: No. It costs too much.
NELLY: Knickknacks.
VOICE: It costs too much.
NELSON: Warm fuzzies.
VOICE: Costs too much.
NELMA: Eternal life.
VOICE: Too much.
NELLY: Therapy!
VOICE: Whatta you want for Christmas, honey?
NELMA: Power.
NELSON: Security.
NELLY: Adventure.
NELSON: The right to keep and bear arms.
NELLY: Security.
NELMA: Adventure.
NELSON: Thy rod and Thy staff.
NELMA: The future.
NELLY: A few good laughs.
Lights change. Title sign: TELL IT LIKE IT IS. Two move forward into tableau. Buzzer. One animates.
(TELL IT LIKE IT IS)
Lights. Office. NELSON as Boss. He searches desk, then floor under desk, for something.
NELMA, as Employee, appears hesitantly at the door. He startles.
NELSON: Who are you?
NELMA: What?
NELSON: What are you here for?
NELMA: I was sent in. Camilla Leonard.
NELSON: Oh, you’re the one. Have a seat.
NELMA: Thank you.
NELSON: So you been here two weeks.
NELMA: I started the day my divorce was final.
NELSON: Congratulations.
So how you like your job, the people you work with—
NELMA: Well, it’s hard to get acquainted, you know, always on the telephone—
NELSON: Like on coffee breaks, their throwing their coffee cups at the walls doesn’t bother you?
NELMA: No, it takes a little getting—
I think I’m getting along fine. Better than fine. Dandy.
NELSON: So there’s a couple things—
NELMA: Oh I need some feedback, because this is my first job in, let’s see, eight, nine years—
NELSON: I had a sack of peanuts—
NELMA: Nine. Since I was married. You know, when you haven’t used your talents you’re really not sure if you still have them, and now that the children are in school, and of course I do need the money, so I kind of see a new horizon up ahead, but I believe there’ll be lots of long, hard work—
NELSON: You know this is a business.
NELMA: Oh yes, I understand business. My husband was in business.
NELSON: My father started this business.
Tell It Like It Is, Incorporated.
There are a billion people out there who are mad. They are livid, they are purple, fuming, itching, belching with rage.
They want to kill. They want to break heads.
But they’ve got one problem. They’re chicken.
NELMA: Or it could be perhaps—
NELSON: So they come to us, and for a modest fee, we communicate their message, by telephone, to the person they want to dump on.
NELMA: We tell it like it is.
NELSON: Simple. "Hello, I have a message. Will you accept it? Ok.
You slob, a kiss from you is like eating a live chicken. Thank you, goodbye."
Hiring us is like hiring a hit-man. It’s humane because it’s quick.
NELMA: My supervisor used the image of—
NELSON: It’s impersonal.
(feeling) Yeuggh, they’re down in the lining.
Peanuts. I’m trying to stop smoking.
NELMA: Oh that terrible yearning—
NELSON: (eating) My wife says I gained twenty pounds.
NELMA: Oh, you’re married.
NELSON: Fifteen years.
NELMA: I would have thought you the carefree bachelor.
NELSON: I’m not exactly the type.
NELMA: My husband was like that. He was married but it didn’t show.
NELSON: (exploding) Mrs. Leonard! Mrs. Leonard, what is this?
Here is a call to Boston, a three-minute message, you were on for an hour and a half.
What are you doing on that phone?
NELMA: Calling.
NELSON: Don’t get smart with me.
Are you trying to drive me out of business? What is this?
NELMA: That is a telephone bill! We all get telephone bills.
NELSON: You talked an hour and a half person-to-person to that person.
NELMA: He couldn’t understand the message.
NELSON: For an hour and a half he couldn’t understand the message?
NELMA: He kept saying, “I don’t understand, I can’t understand it.”
He really needed to talk.
NELSON: He can talk to the wall, not to you.
You’re not paid to listen. You don’t have a license to listen. You’re not a professional nut-farmer.
You’re doing about fifteen calls a day. Even our dumb girls can handle forty calls. You’re fired.
NELMA: Well, could I ask a few questions—
NELSON: Look at these transcripts.
You say, “Hey, I have this message, but it’s kind of mean, are you sure you want to hear it?”
NELMA: I was trying to make it not so depersonalized.
NELSON: “Hey, it’s ok, she didn’t mean that. You really sound like a nice person.”
NELMA: He was crying.
NELSON: This isn’t the job for you.
NELMA: You know, I don’t think you realize what you have here.
All these telephones, it’s like little fingers reaching out all over the globe, and there are so many people out there who ought to have a lot more phone calls.
NELSON: But not from you. Not on my phones. You’re fired. Get out.
NELMA: I have just one question.
NELSON: What?
NELMA: Does your wife work?
NELSON: Yeh, she’s an RN at the hospital.
NELMA: Why then she could help with your smoking.
You should just level with her.
NELSON: Didn’t I just fire you?
NELMA: You weren’t really that definite.
I haven’t done anything dishonest. I’ve had lots of previous experience with honesty.
NELSON: Ok. Ok. Ok. We’ll try it again.
You have a message. It’s laying over here in a pile on the right side. You take it—
NELMA: Let me point out one thing.
It’s easier for me to take it from the left.
NELSON: You take the message. Read it. Hang up.
Very simple. You wanta try it? Here’s one. Use my phone. Dial nine.
NELMA: (dialing) Oh, I really appreciate. . . You know, I can take criticism, I have a lot of previous experience with criticism.
I dialed my own number. Sorry.
(dialing) I just felt I should give a little more, there’s so much alienation—
Dial nine. (dialing) But I can adapt—
This phone, is this a left-handed phone? It’s ringing! Hello?
Hello, Mrs. Marie Schwartzberg? This is Tell It Like It Is, we have a message, will you accept it?
No, there’s no charge, it’s prepaid—
Silence. To NELSON:
She has to turn off the stove. I always get caught like that.
To phone.
All right? Do you know a Tom? This says “Sincerely, Tom.”
Oh, your husband? Oh, you are? So am I, as a matter of fact.
No, but I’m getting off the track. All right, the message is—
Silence. To NELSON:
The baby’s crying.
See, because I do have communications skills and I think a real knack for working with people—
To phone.
Hi, there. Ok. The message is, “Marie, you take your—”
Do you mind some obscenity? Like “damn”?
Oh that’s pretty good! “Hell no!” she says.
Ok. “You take your damned goldfish and fry them for Sunday dinner. Sincerely, Tom.” That’s the message.
NELSON: Hang up.
NELMA: I have to hang up. is that all right?
Silence.
Hey listen—
Do you have goldfish?
Two fish and a baby? Why doesn’t he like the goldfish?
Oh, they’re not goldfish? Japanese fighting fish? Well then how observant is he then really?
Now I don’t know how you feel about it, but I don’t really think he has his hat on straight, so to speak—
NELSON: Hang up the phone.
NELMA: No, but she’s just beginning to handle it.
(to phone) You know, my husband was the same way, and of course he—
So did mine! Sort of the old seven-year itch. Only he was a little slower at it. More like the nine-year itch.
But he still is able to really hurt me sometimes, something about the children, maybe—
Oh yes, I have children, not goldfish. Fighting fish. Fighting children!
(laughing) Well, I think you ought to cook up a HUGE fish dinner and send him the tails!
Well, I’ve enjoyed—
Wonderful! Well I’m glad! Sometimes things start out terrible and—
Well, you’ve done the same for me. Bye.
She hangs up. Looks at NELSON. He shakes his head.
NELSON: Well, Mrs. Leonard, we’re looking for the type of person that doesn’t really give a damn. That’s why we prefer a college graduate.
Nothing personal, ok
Silence. She stands.
Ok? You upset?
She nods.
Like you really want to tell me off, but you think you might crack up?
She nods.
But you gotta do something or it’s really gonna be bad.
Well, we got these standard messages for getting fired, you send me one of those, I’ll call myself and tell me what a jerk I am. Ok?
We’ll bill you.
She goes out.
I hate peanuts.
Blackout. Music.
Canned applause. Lights up. Curtain-call pose. Lights out.
Voices, echoes. Distant phone rings. Loud alarm clock.
Lights up in frames. Each moves about, waiting. Bouncy music.
VOICE: Rise and shine.
Up and at’em.
Come and get it.
Coffee’s on.
Get a move on.
Go for it.
Go get’em.
Shoulder arms.
On your mark.
Get set.
Clear the decks.
Get your war paint on.
Title sign: BLIZZARD.
Get up your steam.
Get your act together.
Ready to roll.
First day of the rest of your life.
Tune up.
All systems go.
Start the day off right.
Arise and go forth.
Gird up your loins.
Get your ass in gear.
Alarm bell. Light change.
(BLIZZARD)
Lights up. Tableau: a family at dinner. NELSON as Father, NELLY as Mother, NELMA as Daughter.
They animate during conversational units, then revert to tableau.
NELSON: Pass the gravy.
NELMA: Is that my fork?
NELLY: Use your napkin.
Freeze.
NELMA: Let’s say grace.
NELLY: It’s cold.
NELSON: What’s for dessert?
Freeze.
NELLY: It’s cold in here.
NELMA: Why can’t we ever say grace?
NELSON: I want a little peace and quiet.
NELLY: We should plan our vacation.
NELSON: It’s months away.
NELLY: But still.
Freeze.
NELMA: Could I have the car tonight?
NELLY: It’s set to snow.
NELMA: I’ll be careful.
NELLY: But still.
NELSON: You clean up your room?
NELMA: I’ve got homework.
NELSON: Then do it.
NELMA: I’m eating.
NELLY: Isn’t it cold in here?
Freeze.
NELSON: Is something the matter?
NELMA: Nothing the matter.
NELLY: Maybe the furnace. Should we have the furnace checked?
NELSON: No, but the family. What’s wrong with this whole damn family?
NELLY: Nothing wrong.
NELSON: Then smile.
They strike tableau, pull mouth corners up into smile.
Taped commercial fragments.
Animation.
NELMA: Are there any seconds?
NELLY: You’re getting fat.
NELMA: I’m just healthy.
NELSON: Seconds. Talk about seconds. You wanta see something? Look at that.
Look at those photographs. Those people are starving.
People are starving, and you talk about seconds.
NELMA: Well ok. Photographs. Well so do something about it.
There’s food. (pointing to pictures) Send’em the pictures of food.
NELLY: There’s tons of seconds. There’s thirds.
In sudden frenzy, she wads up pictures, throws them about.
NELMA: I just cleaned up.
NELSON: Your mom is a great little cook.
NELLY: I can’t take any more!
NELSON: Why not? There’s seconds.
Silence. Others frozen. NELLY continues in realistic action.
NELLY: I’m cold. I’m freezing. I’m cold.
I don’t know what it is. Maybe the furnace.
We’re insulated. We’ve sealed all the cracks.
We’ve got what we want, we’re better off than most.
All the packages, they’re all sealed, urethane, polystyrene, you can’t get’em open.
We got it, we bought it all, it’s all over the house, and we can’t touch it.
I’m cold, I’m alone, I’ve got God knows how long to live, twenty years, thirty, forty, and I’m freezing to death.
NELSON: Warm up the coffee.
NELLY: I think I’m going crazy.
NELMA: We understand, Mommy, we really do.
NELSON: We really do understand, Hon.
Don’t think we don’t. We do.
NELLY: There’s stuff all over the floor, in the sink, the closets, piled in the bed.
Magazines, all the subscriptions, they keep coming, I’m trying to read them all, I don’t want to miss anything, but they keep coming.
And the garbage, I’m shoving the garbage in the oven, the fridge is full and the rabbit cage, there’s no room for the rabbits, the rabbits are in the crockpot, I made a stew, but they keep on having babies—
NELMA: We understand.
NELSON: We do.
Silence.
NELLY: I’ll warm up the coffee.
Tableau.
Taped commercial fragments.
Animation.
Scuse me, I’ll be right back.
I thought we had milk, but we’re out, so why don’t I run down to the Seven-Eleven.
Is there anything else we need?
NELMA: I have to write a poem for class.
NELLY: I’ll be right back.
NELMA: It has to be about the snow, and it has to rhyme.
NELLY: Don’t mind the dishes.
NELMA: All I can think is “The snow comes floating down, there’s drifts all over town.”
Is that long enough?
NELLY: I’m off.
NELSON: Well go.
NELLY: (frozen in her chair) I am. I’m getting in the car.
I’m starting the car. I’m driving to the store.
NELSON: Get back before the blizzard.
NELLY: It’s already come.
NELMA: Let’s give Mom a surprise. Let’s do the dishes.
NELSON: I always do the dishes.
NELMA: Then something special.
NELSON: After the weather report.
NELLY: I’m gone.
Tableau.
Radio weather report: blizzard.
NELLY mimes driving. Stalls. Starts. Stalls.
NELMA makes phone call.
NELMA: Cindy? Hi. I got a problem.
I can’t get the car tonight.
Mommy’s out in the blizzard.
There’s a big blizzard started at dinner, and she got up to get seconds, but she’s driving the car, and it keeps stalling in the blizzard.
And we didn’t notice, but she’s stalled, and she’s flooded, and she has to sit in the car, and she’s freezing to death.
So anyway I can’t get the car, so maybe call Chuck, cause otherwise I’ll have to sit here all weekend.
I don’t understand it, it’s all screwy, I think she’s just feeling sorry for herself cause she’s in menopause or something.
NELSON: (on phone) Hi Stan? Listen.
We’re not gonna be able to make it tonight. Nelly’s not feeling well.
She’s cold, she’s getting colder all day, and she’s really like ice.
She tries to get a move on, but she keeps stalling.
I tell her go to the doctor, but she just follows the weather reports.
So we better stay home tonight.
NELLY: Hon?
Light change. Others frozen.
NELLY tries car again. Takes out map. Calls very quietly:
Hon?
This is ridiculous. I can’t see anything.
Can’t be more than two blocks away. I could walk.
I forgot my boots.
Damned automatic choke. Automatically you choke.
People die.
Come on, Nelly. You’re in your own neighborhood. People don’t die.
They send lots of towtrucks out. With hooks.
Just sit tight.
Freeze.
NELMA: Where’s Mom?
NELSON: She went out.
NELMA: It’s over an hour.
NELSON: She’ll be back.
NELMA: It’s a blizzard.
NELSON: Let it snow let it snow.
NELMA: That’s a good line. “Let it snow.”
NELLY: I could go to the neighbors.
NELMA: If she has trouble she’ll call.
NELLY: I could burn something. No matches.
Why the hell did I stop smoking? Cause I never had a match.
I need some good advice.
Others lean toward her: loud voices in unison.
OTHERS: You want good advice?
You want to know about life?
This is life. Right here.
Live life to the fullest.
Eat a lot.
Watch what successful people do and do it.
Develop originality and be unique.
Be as unique as everyone else.
Get some money.
Take some money and buy something.
Just buy something that gives you some kind of feeling that you’ve just bought something.
NELLY: Stop it.
OTHERS: Stop it.
That’s good advice.
This is life.
Stop it.
NELLY: Not now.
OTHERS: You can drink a cola that contains no cola.
It has the tang.
Not the taste: the tang.
The tang has no calories.
The tang has no fingerprints.
This is life.
NELLY: (extreme desperation) I want to know what’s really going on.
What’s really happening to the dollar?
Do they just make up all the news?
What happens to ballpoint pens?
If you swallow your gum does it glue your guts together?
If it happens through a window is it really there?
When people speak foreign languages are they really talking?
What if we never closed our curtains?
Is there anybody else? Out there? Anywhere?
Suddenly others are very natural.
NELSON: Right here.
NELMA: Here, Mom.
NELSON: We’re sitting right at the table.
NELLY: Let’s say grace.
NELMA: Wait for Mom.
NELLY: Right here.
NELMA: Where is she?
NELSON: She’ll be back.
NELMA: It’s been two hours.
NELSON: She’ll find us. We’re sitting right at the table.
NELLY: We’re frozen shut.
Tableau. Commercials. Alarms.
Sudden activity by NELSON and NELMA.
NELSON: We’ve got to help your mom.
She’s stalled. She can’t get started. She needs the car keys.
NELMA: I looked for the car keys. She must have taken the car keys.
NELSON: If she took’em she’d have’em.
NELMA: So maybe she has’em.
NELSON: Show some respect. Let’s look.
NELMA: It’s dark. We need a flashlight.
NELSON: Look for the flashlight.
They look.
NELLY: Hon—
NELSON: Damn. It’s in the toolbox.
NELMA: Where’s the toolbox?
NELSON: Look for the toolbox.
NELMA: I found my shoes! Far out!
NELSON: The toolbox. It’s locked. Where’s the key?
NELMA: Key.
NELSON: We have to find the key.
NELMA: Look for the key—
NELSON: Look for the key—
NELLY: Hon—
They search.
NELSON: Wait. There’s no key. It’s a combination lock.
NELMA: What’s the combination?
NELSON: It’s on a piece of paper.
NELMA: Where’s the paper?
NELSON: It was years ago.
It was a coupon for General Foods, you could save 50 cents on Country Pride Chicken Legs.
NELMA: Could I have white meat?
NELSON: You have to share.
NELMA: I never get the white meat.
NELSON: You used to like drumsticks.
NELMA: You treat me like a child.
NELSON: Eat the damn drumstick!
NELMA: There isn’t any drumstick!
NELSON: Then why do we want the coupon?
NELMA: To find the combination.
NELSON: What combination?
NELMA: For the toolbox?
NELSON: Why the toolbox?
NELMA: For the flashlight.
NELSON: What the hell good is a flashlight?
NELMA: To find the car keys.
NELSON: What car keys?
NELLY: You need the car keys? Here.
She hands him the keys.
NELSON: Oh, thanks.
(to NELMA) We found the car keys!
NELMA: Great!
NELSON: Great! We found the car keys!
Why do we want the car keys?
NELMA: To rescue Mommy.
NELSON: Right! Ok! Great! Let’s go!
Now where did I put the car keys?
Tableau. Commercials. They wait.
NELMA: You’d think she’d call.
NELSON: You’d think.
NELMA: How long ago did she leave?
NELSON: Nineteen eighty-three.
NELMA: Should we go out and look, or call somebody, or what?
NELSON: Well it’s snowing.
I’d feel stupid going out and running around the block looking for my own wife when maybe she’s sitting right there.
NELMA: I’ll draw a picture of a car.
NELSON: Me too. Big car with a snowplow. That should do it.
NELLY: Listen.
NELSON: What?
NELLY: You hear me?
NELSON: Not a word.
NELLY: You hear me?
I want to put an ad in the paper.
Here, I’ll write it. Now this is permanent marker, so it bleeds through, but I’ll pay for both sides.
It’s gotta be black.
It’s gotta be very black so they see it, cause last time I advertised, it was in the Help Wanteds, and I wanted help.
I paid, I paid and paid and paid, and nobody saw it.
The paper was all white and nobody could see.
You have to put it up in big letters.
HELP. HELP. HELP.
That’s three insertions, but then I might want to extend.
Phone rings.
Answer it.
Where is it? Answer it.
They do not move.
Answer the phone! It’s me! Listen to me!
It stops.
NELSON: I can draw a big truck.
NELLY: Ok. I’m gonna do something.
Go on TV.
You can win things on TV. Anybody can answer the questions.
That’s the whole point, they have questions anybody can answer, so you see it and think, “I could do that, there’s still hope.”
Where do I send?
Others lean to her: loud voices.
NELSON: RIGHT HERE.
LET’S SEE WHO’S OUR NEXT CONTESTANT?
NELMA: STEVE, IT’S NELLY, WHO’S JUST BEEN NAMED TEACHER OF THE YEAR WHILE WINNING A BRAVE BATTLE AGAINST CANCER.
SHE’S AN AIRLINE STEWARDESS FROM BILOXI, MISSISSIPPI, AND SHE LIKES A GUY WHO’S WARM AND TENDER.
AFTER PUTTING NINE KIDS THROUGH COLLEGE, SHE’S BACK IN SCHOOL STUDYING, OF ALL THINGS, TO BE A MARTYR.
HER HOBBY IS KNITTING WHILE SKYDIVING.
Cheers.
NELSON: NELLY—
OOPS, THERE’S THE GONG FOR JACKPOT TIME.
LET’S SEE WHAT YOU’VE ALREADY WON.
Cheers.
IT’S A HUNK OF JUNK!
Cheers.
AND A PILE OF CRAP!
Cheers.
AND A LOTTA NOTHING!
Cheers.
NELLY: Glad to be here, Steve.
NELSON: ARE YOU READY?
NELLY: Let’s go for it.
Cheers. She claps in automated fashion.
NELSON: OK. FOR THE POT OF GOLD. READY?
NAME THREE PRESIDENTS OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA.
YOU HAVE TWENTY SECONDS.
NELLY: George Washington. Abraham Lincoln. Woodrow Wilson.
Buzz.
NELSON: I’M SORRY.
THAT’S RIGHT, BUT IT’S JUST NOT FUNNY.
YOU HAVE TO BE FUNNY.
YOU SHOULD HAVE SAID NIXON OR REAGAN, YOU’D HAVE GOT A LAUGH.
NELMA: BUT WE HAVE A PRIZE ANYWAY. A KELVINATOR HOME FREEZER.
NELSON: PUT HER IN.
NELMA: SMILE!
They stuff her under the table.
Sirens. Shatter of glass.
Light change.
Suddenly, she breaks free.
NELLY: Out!
NELMA: Mom, where were you?
NELSON: Where the hell have you been?
NELLY: In the freezer. In the dumpster. In the want ads.
But we’re gonna change the weather.
We’re coming out of the Ice Age.
NELSON: I don’t see the dramatic justification for this.
The motivation.
What makes her come out from under the table?
NELLY: The sound effects.
A goddamned happy ending.
We’ll have a garage sale. Get rid of stuff. Give it away.
NELSON: Clear it out?
NELMA: All the trash?
NELSON: All this great garbage?
NELLY: Out.
Out of our heads, out of the closets, the back of the fridge, out of the bottom drawer, out of the veins, the guts, out of our eyes, it’s like grit in the eyes.
NELSON: We’d need a snowplow.
NELMA: Grenades.
NELSON: Use a shovel.
NELMA: Use a scraper.
NELSON: Use Ajax.
NELMA: Use E-Z-Off.
NELLY: Use your head.
NELMA: All in the trash.
NELSON: Here’s buttons without a shirt.
NELLY: Here’s moldy fruit.
NELMA: Dead batteries.
NELSON: Vows of revenge.
NELMA: Old assignments.
NELLY: Magazines I never read.
NELSON: Lies I plan to tell my children.
NELMA: Words I didn’t really have to say.
NELLY: Promises I forgot I made.
They reach into the wastebasket, take out blue cards on which, before the show, audience has written lists of things they’d like to get rid of.
In turn, they read.
For example:
NELSON: The pain in my back.
NELLY: 1972 Ford Pinto.
NELMA: Old clothes no longer being worn.
NELSON: Old notes from college courses.
NELLY: The feeling of not doing what I should be doing.
NELMA: My ex-husband.
NELSON: Guilt over world hunger.
NELLY: Bad teeth.
NELMA: An empty half of the bed.
NELSON: Yucky wallpaper.
NELLY: Half-finished needlepoint project.
NELMA: Twenty pounds.
NELSON: My neighbor’s two dogs that pee on our bushes.
NELLY: All my colleagues.
NELMA: Habit of chewing pencils.
NELSON: Bitterness and anxiety.
NELLY: Debts.
NELMA: Memories.
Drop all the cards into the wastebasket. Music.
NELMA: What do we do with all the closet space?
NELSON: The extra time?
NELLY: The silence.
They reach into the wastebasket, take out yellow cards on which, before the show, audience has written lists of things they want very much.
In turn, they read.
For example:
NELSON: Have my own business.
NELLY: Live in Sweden.
NELMA: Have a baby.
NELSON: Win the Lottery.
NELLY: Find a decent man.
NELMA: A loving, real, close circle of friends.
NELSON: Get laid by a 30-year-old redhead.
NELLY: Have a vacation where I don’t have to visit relatives.
NELMA: Catch a world record large-mouth bass.
NELSON: Fly like Superman.
NELLY: Live another five years.
NELMA: Make anybody’s life better.
NELSON: Nirvana.
NELLY: Grandchildren.
NELMA: Appreciate every day.
NELSON: See my oldest son turn into a civilized human being.
NELLY: Two weeks doing nothing.
NELMA: A trampoline.
They stop reading, speak to audience.
NELSON: Love.
NELMA: Loving.
NELLY: Love.
Music. Blackout.
END